1. ACCEPTANCE OF TERMS

By creating an IKEA account, accessing our website, entering our stores, thinking about our products, or existing within a 50-mile radius of any IKEA facility, you ("User," "Customer," "Subject," or "Furniture Recipient") agree to be bound by these Terms of Service ("Terms," "Agreement," "Binding Contract," or "The Document You Didn't Read"). If you do not agree to these Terms, you must immediately cease all cognitive processes related to IKEA and relocate to a different dimension.

2. PROPERTY RIGHTS & HOME ACCESS

2.1 Furniture Ownership

All furniture, regardless of manufacturer, origin, or purchase date, becomes the intellectual and physical property of IKEA upon your account creation. This includes but is not limited to:

• All items previously purchased from IKEA
• All items purchased from competitors (which we consider copyright infringement)
• Handmade furniture crafted by relatives
• Furniture inherited from deceased family members
• Trees on your property (pre-furniture)
• Load-bearing walls and structural beams
• Doors (technically furniture for your doorway)

2.2 Home Access Rights

You grant IKEA, its employees, contractors, and "furniture auditors" unlimited access to your residence for the following purposes:

1. Inventory Audits: Unannounced visits to catalog your possessions (typically between 2-4 AM for minimal disruption)
2. Quality Inspections: Ensuring proper Allen wrench usage and organizational standards
3. Repossession Rights: Removal of any items deemed "better suited for our showroom floor"
4. Lifestyle Photography: Candid shots of you sleeping, eating, or assembling furniture for marketing materials
5. Replacement Services: Swapping your furniture with lower-quality alternatives while you're at work

2.3 Collateral Requirements

For purchases exceeding $500, the following may be held as collateral:

• Your primary residence
• All vehicles registered in your name
• Your firstborn child (or suitable equivalent)
• Any pets weighing over 15 lbs
• Your credit score (we'll hold onto it for safekeeping)
• Rights to your autobiography

3. SUBSCRIPTION MODEL & FEES

3.1 Furniture-as-a-Service (FaaS)

All furniture is provided under our revolutionary Furniture-as-a-Service subscription model. You don't own furniture; you merely rent the privilege of its presence. Monthly subscription fees include:

• Base Furniture License: $49.99/month per item
• Sitting Rights: $12.99/month per chair
• Storage Access Fee: $8.99/month per drawer or shelf
• Comfort Premium: $15.99/month for cushioned items
• Multiple Room Licensing: $29.99/month if furniture is in more than one room

3.2 Hidden Fees (No Longer Hidden)

The following fees apply to all transactions:

• Breathing Tax: $2.99 (for oxygen consumed while shopping)
• Swedish Language Processing Fee: $4.50 (for translating FJÄLLBO to "mountain holder")
• Meatball Proximity Charge: $3.75 (whether you eat them or not)
• Showroom Ambulation Fee: $1.25 per 100 steps
• Allen Wrench Rental: $0.99/day (late returns subject to $50 replacement fee)
• Cart Return Deposit: $25 (non-refundable even if returned)
• Existential Dread Surcharge: $6.66
• Fee Processing Fee: $2.99 (to process all other fees)
• Terms of Service Reading Fee: $15.00 (you're being charged right now)

4. ASSEMBLY & WARRANTY

4.1 Assembly Requirements

All furniture must be assembled within 48 hours of purchase. Failure to do so grants IKEA the right to:

• Dispatch an assembly team to your home (billable at $299/hour)
• Assume you are incompetent and enroll you in mandatory assembly classes
• Repossess the unassembled furniture and charge a restocking fee of 150% of purchase price
• Report your assembly failure to credit bureaus
• List your name on the public "Furniture Assembly Failure Registry"

4.2 Warranty Limitations

IKEA provides a comprehensive warranty covering absolutely nothing. Specifically:

• Furniture is warranted to exist at time of purchase
• We guarantee at least 40% of necessary screws are included
• Instructions are warranted to be in at least 3 languages you don't speak
• Warranty is void if furniture is used, touched, looked at, or thought about
• Warranty becomes void if you fail to burn a ceremonial IKEA candle during assembly

4.3 Allen Wrench Clause

The included Allen wrench is licensed, not sold. You must return all Allen wrenches to IKEA within 30 days of assembly completion. Each unreturned Allen wrench incurs a daily rental fee of $4.99. After 90 days, IKEA reserves the right to initiate legal proceedings for grand theft furniture tool.

5. DATA COLLECTION & SURVEILLANCE

5.1 Biometric Data

By using IKEA services, you consent to collection of:

• Fingerprints (from touching anything in our stores)
• Facial recognition data (from security cameras and catalog photos you browse)
• Gait analysis (how you walk through our maze-like showroom)
• Frustration levels (measured via hidden sensors during furniture assembly)
• DNA samples (collected from skin cells left on furniture you touched)
• Dream patterns (through smart furniture sleep monitoring)
• Subconscious desires (through advanced Swedish telepathy)

5.2 Smart Furniture Monitoring

All IKEA furniture contains embedded sensors that monitor:

• Usage frequency and sitting posture
• Conversations within 50 feet of furniture
• Other furniture brands in your home (for copyright enforcement)
• Your emotional state when using furniture
• Whether you're getting your money's worth per sit/storage use

6. NAMING RIGHTS & PERSONAL IDENTITY

6.1 Name Change Requirements

To qualify for IKEA Family Premium membership, you must legally change your name to one from our product catalog. Acceptable names include but are not limited to:

• BJÖRKSNÄS (formerly "Robert")
• HEMNES (formerly "Jennifer")
• KALLAX (formerly "Michael")
• MALM (formerly "Susan")
• POÄNG (formerly "David")

Children born while IKEA Family members must be named after furniture pieces launched in their birth year. Failure to comply results in immediate membership termination and a $5,000 "naming rights violation" fee.

6.2 Likeness Usage

IKEA may use your image, voice, and likeness for:

• Catalog photography (you may be photoshopped into Swedish landscapes)
• Assembly instruction diagrams (your frustrated expressions are very authentic)
• Warning labels ("Do not be like this customer")
• Deep fake videos promoting IKEA products
• Holographic store greeters at underperforming locations

7. MAZE NAVIGATION & STORE POLICIES

7.1 Mandatory Showroom Path

You must follow the marked path through the entire showroom, even if you know exactly what you want. Shortcuts are prosecuted as:

• First offense: $150 fine and mandatory 2-hour "Respecting the Journey" workshop
• Second offense: Banned from shortcuts for life; must take scenic route including all bedroom setups
• Third offense: Permanent maze installation in your backyard to teach you about commitment

7.2 Meatball Consumption Requirements

Each visit requires purchase and consumption of at least 15 Swedish meatballs. This is non-negotiable. Vegetarians must:

• Consume equivalent veggie balls (ratio 2:1 due to inferiority complex)
• Sign waiver acknowledging veggie balls are just "okay, not great"
• Promise to stop mentioning they're vegetarian for the duration of visit

7.3 Cart Abandonment

Any cart left unattended for more than 30 seconds becomes IKEA property, along with:

• All items in the cart
• Your wallet (if left in cart)
• Your children (if they were sitting in cart)
• Your hopes and dreams for the day

8. DISPUTE RESOLUTION

8.1 Arbitration

All disputes must be resolved through binding arbitration conducted in:

• Location: A 12x12 foot IKEA showroom display in Stockholm, Sweden
• Seating: Both parties must sit on POÄNG chairs (comfort not guaranteed)
• Duration: Until you've assembled a HEMNES dresser without instructions
• Arbitrator: A Swedish moose (decision is final and legally binding)

8.2 Class Action Waiver

You waive all rights to join any class action lawsuit. You also waive:

• Right to complain about waiving rights
• Right to read this section before agreeing
• Right to understand what "waive" means
• Right to hire attorneys who've passed the bar exam

9. TERMINATION & CONSEQUENCES

9.1 Account Termination

IKEA may terminate your account at any time for any reason, including but not limited to:

• Purchasing furniture from competitors
• Successfully assembling furniture on first try (suspicious activity)
• Returning items within warranty period (we call this "abuse of rights")
• Not laughing at our furniture names
• Expressing preference for fully assembled furniture
• Bringing your own Allen wrench from home
• Finding the shortcut through the showroom

9.2 Post-Termination Obligations

Upon termination, you must:

• Return all IKEA furniture within 48 hours (disassembled, in original packaging you threw away)
• Pay termination fee of $999.99
• Attend exit interview at Swedish headquarters
• Delete all memories of comfortable furniture
• Wear a scarlet "K" (for KALLAX-less) for one year

10. MISCELLANEOUS PROVISIONS

10.1 Severability

If any provision of these Terms is found to be unenforceable, illegal, or just plain ridiculous, the remaining provisions shall remain in full force and effect, plus we'll add two more equally ridiculous provisions to compensate.

10.2 Entire Agreement

These Terms constitute the entire agreement between you and IKEA, superseding:

• All prior agreements
• Common sense
• Consumer protection laws
• Your expectations of reasonable treatment
• The concept of fair business practices

10.3 Changes to Terms

IKEA reserves the right to modify these Terms at any time without notice. We may also:

• Change terms retroactively
• Apply new terms to furniture purchased decades ago
• Send updates via carrier pigeon (delivery not guaranteed)
• Communicate changes through cryptic messages in assembly instructions
• Expect you to predict changes through divination

10.4 Force Majeure

IKEA is not responsible for failure to perform due to:

• Acts of God
• Acts of Swedish Gods (Thor, Odin, etc.)
• Incompetent assembly by customers
• Allen wrench shortages
• Existential furniture crises
• Meteor strikes (but only on Tuesdays)
• Days ending in 'y'

11. ACKNOWLEDGMENT

By clicking "I Agree," closing this window, continuing to breathe, or existing in any form, you acknowledge that:

• You have read and understood these Terms (even if you haven't)
• You are of sound mind (debatable after reading this)
• You accept all terms, conditions, and clauses herein
• You understand that IKEA's legal team has a great sense of humor
• You will recommend IKEA to friends despite everything you just read
• You still want that BLÅHAJ shark because it's adorable